So, i've been kinda going through a rough patch in my life since September.. a lot of plans... a lot of decisions.. a lot to think about. Whats sad is that i have only come to realize just recently that i've slowly been taking baby steps away from Christ.. not praying as much as i used to, and not trusting in his plan for my life. Some things didnt work out how i thought they were going to and i knew it bothered me... but i didnt really realize how much (God help me and forgive me) resentment was built up in my heart...
Its so hard to even write it out now...
Thankfully the Lord has shown me grace and has been really laying messages on my Pastors hearts that are so aimed at me its undeniably Christ.. this last Wednesday my Associate Pastor was talking about how God uses parables to show us things in ourselves that we do not want to see, and how sly and good he is at it by making you feel bad for the person you've wronged and making you feel very angry towards the person who in essence is you... this was hitting me.. but not as greatly as it did until he took a detour..
he started talking about Songs of Solomon and then started talking about how God uses everything in our lives to try and pull us closer to Him.. he used this example..
He said "Has anyone here said.. "Lord... if you'd just give me this woman or this man, if you just make them love me, i'll do anything for you... " A lot of men raised their hands and honestly i could've raised mine as well...he said.. "Were asking God to play matchmaker.... When really God is using these things we desire to draw us closer to him... to talk to him, to need him..."
This hit me so hard.. i felt so selfish and for the first time in a long time... really felt the gap that was developing between me and my Lord... I had a wonderful time in prayer that night...
And Jesus... i just wanted to let you know... "I need you"
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